Just me and La

La (left) and me

'What do you really want?' My yoga asked me today and like all carers, I found that one especially hard. My life feels so tied up with La that sometimes it feels like it's all a succession of compromises around what La will like or tolerate. I really don't want to sound whiney or pathetically passive but what I want doesn't very often come into it.

 At the moment La's Dad is away on business so it's full-on, undiluted La and me, with occasional moments of light relief provided by La's youngest sister when she's around. La is at her day centre between 9am and 4pm so the hours between are a mish-mash of doing stuff La can't stand me doing while she's here (making telephone calls, shopping, working on my computer) clearing up after La and then fitting in time for myself.

 This morning La woke me up at 4.30, 5.10 and 6.03am and then I gave in, made her breakfast and kicked off the morning routine. Every action is duplicated whether it's loading a toothbrush or putting on a pair of socks. Once for La, once for me. There's a twist as La is less than cooperative through most of this: while I make her breakfast and packed lunch she grabs food on the worktops or what she can snatch while the fridge is unlocked, she's reluctant to move the limbs when I'm dressing her, clamps her mouth shut when I attempt to brush her teeth and lies down flat when I try to get her hair into some kind of order. You could call this stubborn defiance boringly predictable but it's also quite impressive and rather funny if you can keep your cool and not show your frustration as the clock ticks away.


 After 4pm, I'm led by La. I make the tea, maybe do some ironing, clear up, get her ready for bed.

 Right now, it's 7pm and we are already in our pjs, everything is cleared up and the evening stretches ahead of us.

 I think about the rest of our family - La's Dad is probably getting ready for a meal out with colleagues in Madrid, the three sisters are with their partners/friends and the night is young.

 There's a certain comfort to this easy companionship, sitting here with La nodding off on the opposite sofa, Channel 4 news in the background, there's even a homemade loaf baking in the oven and some new books on the shelf next to me... as well as a feeling of life just slipping through my fingers while I look after La...